The Link 14 Humour
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welcome to this issue's humour section we hope that you like these little tid bits. if you have anything that you want to have printed here,then please send it in to us. so sit back,kick your shoes off and let our sick humour either make or break your day. see you all next issue,the editor. ---------- did you hear about the bloke who killed his wife and disposed of her body in an acid bath? he lost his right arm trying to pull the plug out. ---------- after a long wait,about 2 years,at the c.e.s.(dole office) george finally got the chance of a full time job. we're looking for a bus driving,he was told at the interview. can you handle driving a bus and collecting fares? george said that would be no problem,so he was taken on. on his first day on the job,the phone rang in the bus depot office about half- an-hour after george had left on his 1st run. it's me,boss,george,said the voice on the phone. can you send help? there's been a bit of an accident,you see. the bus ran up on the pavement and smashed through a plate glass window into a shop bloody hell! exclamied the boss. how did that happen? dunno,said george. i was down the back of the bus taking fares at the time. --------- a couple who loved playing the horses & going to the races,worked out a system so that the wife could signal to the husband which horse to put money on. if she scratched her head,that meant top weight,and if she scratched her bottom, that meant bottom weight. anyway,off they went to the melbourne cup,and the wife mingled with the crowd to pick up some tips,signalling back to her hubby. all went well for a while,and they got a couple of good winners. then the time for the big race arrived,& the husband spotted his wife,but instead of scratching her head or scratching her bottom,she seemed to be doing a madonna impersonation and scratching her fanny. the husband couldn't work out what she meant,so he didn't bet on the race,and then his wife came rushing up to him. i didn't know what your signal meant,the husband said. you fucking idiot,snapped his wife,the favorite of course! ---------- dave and mabel were out for a walk when mabel's shoelace broke. never mind,said dave. there's a bloke working on the road over there,go & ask him,if he's got a bit of string. i can't do that,said mabel,i don't know his name. oh,just call him tom,dick or harry,said dave. so mabel limps over the road and says, excuse me,have you got a bit of string on ya dick? no,says the bloke whaddya think it is,a bloody yo-yo. ---------- an old man,hobbling along with a walking stick,tottered into a massage parlor. i want a girl! he wheezed,i wanna get laided. gimme a woman. and just how old are you,grandad? asked the receptionist. i'm ninety-two,he replied. ninety-two? ninety-two? exclaimed the receptionist. pop you've had it! oh,have i? said the old man. how much do i owe you then? ---------- a bloke goes for a job with a forestry firm. come outside,says the boss,and tell me what sort of tree that is over there. no problem,says the bloke. that's a gum tree,sir. right,very good,says the boss. what height is it? and the bloke glances up at the tree and says,it's exactly 18.8 metres high,sir. so the boss gets the tree measured and sure enough,it's exactly 18.8 metres high. right,says the boss,one last question,& if you get this right you get the job. tell me,which is the back of the tree? so the bloke walks around the tree and says,that is the back,sir. amazing! says the boss. how do you know that? easy,says the bloke,some dirty bastard has had a shit behind it! ---------- once upon a time there was a teddy bear who was fed up with being on the dole. sorry! (job search allowance),or what- ever it's called this week. anyway,he got a job with one of the local council road gangs,and spent his days digging holes in the road with a pick and shovel,and then going back next week and filling them in again. but one day,when he arrived for work,he looked around the tool shed and could only find his shovel...his pick had vanished! oi! he cried. what's going on? don't you know ,mate? said the foreman. today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked. --------- picture the scene. an upper-class dinner party at an english stately home, an old manor house in the country. the table set with priceless china,crisp with white linen,sparkling silver and glassware,candelabra,discreet servants bringing in the food,the full works. the people seated around the table were dressed in all their finery,the men elegant in evening dress and the women dazzling in silks,satins and lace,be- decked with diamonds and pearls. even the sole australian guest,a visitor to the old dart,was dressed up for the occasion in a hired dinner suit. the hum of polite conversation died down as the first course was served,and in the silence the aussie shifted un- comfortably in his chair,raised his bum slightly and let fly a ripper. shock,horror,consternation! how dare you sir! cried the host. how dare you fart before my wife! sorry mate,said the aussie,i didn't know it was her turn! ---------- a worried looking girl went into the local hardware store and said to the assistant,excuse me,could you give a screw for a door knob? no trouble at all,miss he said,and i'll even throw in a packet of nails as well. a young woman revealed her marital problems to a friend at work. what you have to do,the friend advised, is to try and put some magic back into y our sex life. the next day her friend asked how things had gone. well,we tried to put the magic back into our marriage,she said,but his wand was not up to it. ---------- a young bloke rushes into a chemist's shop. may i help you sir? asks an elderly lady behind the counter. a dozen condoms,please miss,says the bloke. don't miss me!,snaps the elderly lady. oh,all right then,the bloke sighs,make it thirteen. ---------- hope you understand our humour. se you all next issue.