The Link 11 Humour

hi and welcome to this the funny section
of the mag.  we hope that the jokes in
the last issue,made at least a few of
you SMILE.

remember we are not taking the MICKEY
out of anyone.  we are here to brighten
up your miserable day.

remember the place for a KNOCKER is out-
side the door.

so sit back,kick off your shoes and away
we go.

these 2 were sent in by OLIVER KLEE/MDG/
DOS.
----
GOD save the QUEEN,8,1

the life of a chicken

kill  me

fill  me

grill me

eat   me

this one was by STEVE/TSR
-------------------------
why are camels called,ships of the
desert?

because they are full of arab semen.

these were sent in by a sick man by the
name of PAT/TRINOMIC
--------------------
the brother is doing love with his tiny
sister.  after they've finished,she says
"wow,you are much better than dad!"  he
replies,"yeah,thats just what mum said!"
FUCK YOUR'RE SICK MAN
a blind man enters a shop,together with
his guide dog.  he takes his dog by the
tail and whirls it around in the air.

the shop assitant comes over to him and
asks,"could i help you in any way?"  the
blind man replies,"no,thanks,i'm just
looking around a bit."

with this next one you can substitute it
your own countries leader.
--------------------------
mr keating,the prime minister went to
king's cross and met 3 PAY AS YOU LAY
girls.  he said "i am keating.  how much
do you require to have intercourse?

the BLONDE said $115,the BRUNETTE said
$120,but the REDHEAD said.  "if you can
raise my skirt as high as the taxes,take
my pants down as low as the wages,make
your old fellow as hard as it is to make
a living,and FUCK me like you FUCKED the
country,it won't cost you a BLOODY CENT"

this is the life of a DICK
--------------------------
it ain't easy being a dick,i've got a
head i can't think with,an eye i can't
see out of,i have to hang around with 2
nuts all the time.  my closest neighbour
is an ARSEHOLE,worst of all my owner
beats me all the time,and my best friend
is a CUNT,and now because of AIDS,i have
to wear this rubber suit and throw up
all over myself....

four union members were discussing how
smart their dogs were.

the first was a member of the vehicle
builder's union.  he said his dog could
do maths calculations. his dog was named
T-SQUARE,and he told him to go to the
blackboard and draw a square,a triangle
and a circle,which the dog did with
consumate ease.

the amalgamted metal worker's union
member said he thought his dog was much
better.  his dog,named SLIDE RULE,was
told to fetch a dozen biscuits and was
told to divide them into four piles,
which SLIDE RULE did without problems.

the liquor trade union member admitted
that both dogs were quite good,but he
felt his dog could out perform them.
his dog MEASURE,was told to go and get a
stubby of beer and pour seven ounces in
to a 10 ounce glass.  the dog did this
without flaw.  they turned to the water-
side worker's union member and asked.
"what can your mongrel do?"

the waterside worker called his dog who
was named TEA BREAK and said to him "
show these bastards what you can do,mate
TEA BREAK ate the biscuits,drank the
beer,pissed on the blackboard,screwed
the other 3 dogs,claimed he injured his
back in the process,filed a worker's
compensation form and shot through on
sick leave.

this next one,i think everybody in the
world has had this happen to them.

once upon a time there was a non-con-
forming sparrow,who decided not to fly
south for the winter.

however,soon the weather turned so cold
that he reluctanly started to fly south.
in a short time,ice began to form on his
wings,and he fell to earth in a barnyard
almost frozen.  a cow passed by and shit
on the little sparrow.  the little bird
thought it was the end,but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings.
warm and happy,able to breath,he started
to sing.  just then a large cat came by
and hearing the chirping,investigated
the sounds.

the cat cleared away the manure,found
the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

the MORAL of the story is:
1. everyone who shits on you is not
  necessarily your enemy.
2. everyone,who gets you out of the shit
  is not necessarily your friend.
3. and if you're warm and happy,in a
  pile of shit,keep your mouth shut.
these next jokes have been supplied by
JAZZCAT/BCT
-----------
what did the hurricane say to the coco-
nut tree?

hold onto your nuts,baby,this is no
ordinary BLOW JOB.

what the diffrence between a NIGGER and
a TYRE?

TYRE'S don't sing when you put chains on
them.

how do you say "FUCK YOU" in jewish?

TRUST ME!

did you hear about the QUEER indian?

he jumped into a canoe,took 3 strokes &
shot across the lake.

what did ADAM say to EVE?

"stand back,i don't know how big this
thing is."

why did GOD make urine yellow and come
white?

so you can tell if you are coming or
going.

i hope you like this next one as i think
there is a moral in it for everyone.

its called WHAT NOT TO NAME A DOG.

everybody who has a dog calls him,rover
or boy.  i call mine SEX.

now SEX has been very embarrassing to me
when i went to the concil chambers to
renew his dog licence,i told the clerk,i
would like a new licence for SEX.

he said he would like to have one too,
but then i said,this is a dog.  he said
he didn't care what she looked like.
then i said you don't understand,i've
had SEX since i was nine years old and
he said i must have been quite a kid.

when i got married i went on my honey-
moon and took the dog with me.  i told
the clerk,that i wanted a room for my
wife and i,and a special room for SEX.
he said,that every room in the house is
for SEX.  i said,you don't understand,
SEX keeps me awake at night.  the clerk
said,"me too."

one day i entered SEX in a contest,but
before the competition began the dog ran
away.  another contestant asked me,why i
was just standing there looking around.
i told him i planned to have SEX in the
contest.  he told me i should have sold
tickets,but you don't understand,i said
i hoped to have SEX on television,he
called me a show off.

when my wife and i separated,we went to
court to fight for custody of my dog.  i
said your honour,i had SEX before i was
married.  the judge said"me too."  then
i told him that after i was married SEX
left me,he said "me too."

last night SEX ran off again.  i spent
hours looking around town for him.  a
policeman came over to me and asked,what
are you doing in this alley at 4 am in
the morning?  i said,i was looking for
SEX.  my case comes up next friday!

this one is for those racing fanatics
who like to have a bet or 2.
its called MIDNIGHT HANDICAP

place your bets folks,for the midnight
handicap.  contestants in the midnight
handicap event are sponsored by DUNLOP
the good rubber company.

the horses are-
1.PYJAMAS             6.LOVELY THIGHS
2.TWO WHITE LEGS      7.BIG DICK
3.LOVELY HIPS         8.PASSIONATE LADY
4.SILK PANTIES        9.BARE BELLY
5.CONSCIENCE         10.CLEAN SHEETS

            11.HOPLESS MESS
and there off and racing,

SILK PANTIES and PYJAMAS are off with a
rush,CLEAN SHEETS are in a dangerous
position and CONSCIENCE is left at the
post,PASSIONATE LADY and WHITE LEGS are
close together with BIG DICK urging to
force a passage between them.

LOVELY THIGHS are drawing apart with BIG
DICK forcing his way into the gap.  it's
a fight between BIG DICK and PASSIONATE
LADY,but she is taking all that he can
give her,it looks like a close finish.
PASSIONATE LADY is foaming at the mouth
with excitement and BIG DICK is trying
his best to get a spurt in before it's
too late.

it's all over now,BIG DICK looked a good
winner all the way,WHITE LEGS was soon
opened and PASSIONATE LADY proved her-
self and will carry more weight next
time.  SILK PANTIES was in a HOPELESS
MESS,CLEAN SHEETS never had a chance and
CONSCIENCE was never in the hunt.

on the whole a great race and BARE BELLY
was scratched.

how many of us have felt this way,but
never had the oppertunity or guts to let
it rip.

once upon a time there lived a man who
had a maddening passion for BAKED BEANS.
he loved them,but they always had a very
lively and emarrassing reaction on him.

then one day he met a girl and fell in
love.  when it was apparent that they
would marry,he thought to himself,"she
is such a sweet and gentle girl,she will
never go for this carring on."  so he
made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
BEANS.

they married shortly thereafter.  some
months later,his car broke down on the
way home from work,and since they lived
in the country,he called his wife and
told her that he would be late because
he was walking home.

on the way he passed a small cafe and
the odour of freshly BAKED BEANS was
over whelming.  since he still has some
miles to go,he figured that he would
walk off any ill effects before he got
home.
before leaving he had eaten three large
orders of BAKED BEANS.  all the way home
he kept on FARTING,and after arriving,
felt reasonably safe that he had FARTED
his last FART.

his wife,somewhat agitated and excited
to see him,exclaimed delightedly,"darlin
i have the most wonderful surprise for
dinner tonight."  she then blindfolded
him and led him to his chair at the end
of the dining table.  he seated himself
and just as he was ready to remove the
blindfold,the telephone rang.  she made
him vow not to remove the blindfold
until she returned,then went to answer
the phone.

seeing the opportunity,he shifted his
weight to one leg and FARTED.  it was
not only loud,but ripe as rotten eggs.
he took the napkin from his lap and
vigorously fanned the air about him,
things had just about returned to normal
when he felt another dire urge coming,so
he shifted his weight to the other leg &
FARTED again.  this was a true prize
winner if there was ever such a prize
winner.  whilst keeping his ear on the
conversation in the hall,he went on like
this for ten minutes,until he knew the
phone farewells ended his freedom.  he
placed the napkin on his lap and folded
his hands on top of it and smiling
contentedly to himself,was the very
picture of innocence when his wife
returned,apologising for taking so long,
she asked if he had peeked and he of
course assured her that he had not.  at
this point she removed the blindfold and
there was his surprise.

twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for a HAPPY BIRHTDAY party for him

why does ray charles smile all the time?

because he dosen't know he's black.

----------------------------------------
we hope we have put a smile on your face
and you are relaxed enough to enjoy the
rest of the magazine.

if you want your jokes published,then
drop us a line.

till the next issue,stay COOL dudes and
dudettes.
                    UPTONOGOOD/EDITOR