The Link 15 Humour
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Revision as of 02:48, 13 January 2013 by Jazzcat
hi and welcome to this issue of humour, in the 15th issue of the link. we would like everybody to send in some of your funnies,that way we can get a good cross cut of everybodies culture. we also hope that you europeans under- stand our brand of humour. stay cool my friends,and remember to try and send something into us. see ya next issue. UPTONOGOOD - EDITOR there's been a lot of fuss about that controversial movie,indecent proposal,in which a wealthy man offers a million $'s to sleep with a bloke's wife. it's an american movie,of course,and what the yanks don't realise is that it's based on a true story. it actually happened right here in oz. not quite like it is in the film,of course,but like this: way back,around the turn of the century, the parson in a certain country town had a very beautiful wife. a real cracker, she was,the best looking shelia for five hundred miles around. now,all the local blokes had tried their luck,but she just wasn't interested,and she remained faithful and true to her husband. one of the fellas who fancied her was the wealthiest squatter in the district, and he was determined to succeed where everyone else had failed. but he wasn't having much success. he showered her with gifts of jewellry and suchlike,but she kept sending them back, & she stoutly resisted all his advances. so he decided to try a different approach. he knew that parsons didn't get much in the way of wages,so he decided to use that basic business technique,a BRIBE. i'll give you one thousand pounds,cash if you let me sleep with your wife for one night,he told the parson. now in those days a thousand pounds was a lot of money,and the parson,good man though he was,was sorely tempted. let me think about it,he told the rich squatter. i'll pray for guidance,and i will give you an answer tomorrow. the two men met the next day,and the squatter was delighted when the parson told him he'd take the cash. money up front,though,the parson demands no worries,said the squatter. i'll be round at your place tonight with a $1000 crisp ones for you. just make sure your wife's in bed,ready and waiting. that evening the squatter fronted up at the parson's house and handed over a big bundle of banknotes. right,he said rubbing his hands in eager anticipation,where is she? she's in bed,said the parson. in the back bedroom,straight through there. the squatter rushed through to the back bedroom,and sure enough,there was the parson's wife in the bed waiting for him you little beauty! cried the squatter, ripping off his clothes and leaping into the bed. just then the door swung open and in marched the parson,holding a cocked double-barrelled shotgun. he sat down on the chair beside the bed, the gun pointed unwaveringly at the squatter. right! said the parson. you paid me a thousand pounds for the priviege of sleeping with my wife. SO START SLEEPING. a big,mean looking cowboy burst into a saloon firing his six-guns right & left. git outa here,all you mean-faced ornery sons of bitches! he roared. there was a wild rush for the door,and the saloon was suddenly empty,except for one little bloke,who sat quietly drink- ing at a table in the corner. well? he snarled. well,said the little bloke. there sure was a lot of em,weren't there? tom,dick and harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to have a go at the weekly raffle. they each bought five $1 tickets,& they were in luck,too. tom won first prize - a years supply of extra long gourmet spaghetti. dick won the second prize - six months' supply of extra long gourmet spaghetti,and harry won the third prize - a toilet brush. when they met in the pub a week later, harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. great,said tom. we both love spaghetti, how's the toilet brush? not so good,mate,harry replied. i think i'll go back to using paper. ---------- two sailors,on leave in melbourne,were sitting in a tram,when a sexy blonde in a mini skirt clambered aboard. she was carrying a six-pack,and as she sat down opposite the two sailors,she put the six-pack on the seat beside her. the two sailors stared at the vision seated opposite. one sailor stared at the six-pack,licking his lips,while the other sailor stared at the girl's long and elegant legs with his tongue hanging out. the blonde looked at the sailor staring at the six-pack. do you reckon you could keep one down? she asked. bloody oath!exclaimed the sailor. could i ever! good,said the girl. sit on your mates lap then. --------- way out on the frontier in the wild and wooly west,a young indian lad went up to his father and asked. father,why is it that i have such a funny name? well,son,said the father,it is the old custom of our tribe to name each child after the first thing the medicine man sees when he steps out of the teepee, after the birth. your sister was born at night,which is why she is called moonbeam. your little brother was born beside a stream,so he is called running water. pretty flower was born in the spring, when the wildflowers had bloomed,and snow flake was born in the winter,when the hunting grounds lay under a blanket of snow. does that answer your question TWO DOGS ROOTING? the wife came home from shopping to find her husband fast asleep on the couch, muttering RAMONA,RAMONA,OH RAMONA. the wife,whose name was LUCY,was a bit annoyed at this,so she woke him up and demanded,who's this RAMONA you've been going on about? oh..er..umm..ramona..yes,it's a horse! ramona's a horse i'm gunna back,the husband replied. thanks fro waking me, love,i've gotta get down the tab right away!,and congratulating himself on his quick thinking,the husband fled. he came back home about an hour later & found all his clothes packed into suit- cases and standing on the front porch. what's all this?,he asked,as his wife opened the door. that horse you were going to back,said the wife. it rang up half an hour ago & said to meet you in the motel at seven. ---------- the mechanic at the local gas station had been dining at the same cafe for years,and he always had steak and eggs. one evening,as he came in,the waitress was running a pencil line through steak and eggs on the menu. i've just had to scratch your favorite thing,she said. well,said the mechanic,wash your hands & get me some steak and eggs. ----------- a young bloke rushes into a chemist's shop. may i help you sir?,asks the lady behind the counter. a dozen condoms,please miss,says the bloke. don't you miss me!,snaps the elderly lady. oh!,all right then,the bloke sighs,make it 13. ---------- a young businessman who had arrived only recently in town,was invited to a cock- tail party. standing next to one of the local bank managers,he started chatting. i was at school with bill jones,he remarked,and i understand he is a tried and trusted member of your staff. the bank manager looked at the newcomer curiously. mr jones was trusted,yes,he said,and believe me,when we catch up with him,he will certainly be tried. ---------- a worried looking girl went into the local hardware store,and said to the assistant. excuse me,could you give me a screw for a door knob? no trouble at all,miss,he said,and i'll even throw in a packet of nails as well. ---------- that's all for now. if you have any funnies you want printed here,then send them into your local tsr contact. as i have been using all my own stuff & i need some new stuff to publish. hope you have enjoyed these little quims see you all next issue. UPTONOGOOD - EDITOR.