The Link 16 Humour

hi and welcome to this issue of humour,
in the 16th issue of the link.

i must say sorry to all our readers as i
am on holidays at the moment,i've had 5
weeks off so far and have 3 weeks left,
so i haven't had the time to put this
section together,as i would like to,but
when i go back to work i will get some-
more for you,so this section will be the
same as the last issue.  please read the
news section as i have an offer to good
to refuse,about stamp cheating,yes i
have the perfect way,and no chance of
you getting caught.
there's been a lot of fuss about that
controversial movie,indecent proposal,in
which a wealthy man offers a million $'s
to sleep with a bloke's wife.  it's an
american movie,of course,and what the
yanks don't realise is that it's based
on a true story.  it actually happened
right here in oz.  not quite like it is
in the film,of course,but like this:

way back,around the turn of the century,
the parson in a certain country town had
a very beautiful wife.  a real cracker,
she was,the best looking shelia for five
hundred miles around.
now,all the local blokes had tried their
luck,but she just wasn't interested,and
she remained faithful and true to her
husband.

one of the fellas who fancied her was
the wealthiest squatter in the district,
and he was determined to succeed where
everyone else had failed.

but he wasn't having much success.  he
showered her with gifts of jewellry and
suchlike,but she kept sending them back,
& she stoutly resisted all his advances.

so he decided to try a different
approach.  he knew that parsons didn't
get much in the way of wages,so he
decided to use that basic business
technique,a BRIBE.

i'll give you one thousand pounds,cash
if you let me sleep with your wife for
one night,he told the parson.

now in those days a thousand pounds was
a lot of money,and the parson,good man
though he was,was sorely tempted.

let me think about it,he told the rich
squatter.  i'll pray for guidance,and i
will give you an answer tomorrow.

the two men met the next day,and the
squatter was delighted when the parson
told him he'd take the cash.

money up front,though,the parson demands

no worries,said the squatter.  i'll be
round at your place tonight with a $1000
crisp ones for you.  just make sure your
wife's in bed,ready and waiting.

that evening the squatter fronted up at
the parson's house and handed over a big
bundle of banknotes.

right,he said rubbing his hands in eager
anticipation,where is she?

she's in bed,said the parson.  in the
back bedroom,straight through there.

the squatter rushed through to the back
bedroom,and sure enough,there was the
parson's wife in the bed waiting for him

you little beauty! cried the squatter,
ripping off his clothes and leaping into
the bed.

just then the door swung open and in
marched the parson,holding a cocked
double-barrelled shotgun.

he sat down on the chair beside the bed,
the gun pointed unwaveringly at the
squatter.

right! said the parson.  you paid me a
thousand pounds for the priviege of
sleeping with my wife.  SO START
SLEEPING.

a big,mean looking cowboy burst into a
saloon firing his six-guns right & left.

git outa here,all you mean-faced ornery
sons of bitches! he roared.

there was a wild rush for the door,and
the saloon was suddenly empty,except for
one little bloke,who sat quietly drink-
ing at a table in the corner.

well?  he snarled.

well,said the little bloke.  there sure
was a lot of em,weren't there?
tom,dick and harry were in the pub
enjoying a few quiet drinks one night,
when they decided to have a go at the
weekly raffle.

they each bought five $1 tickets,& they
were in luck,too.

tom won first prize - a years supply of
extra long gourmet spaghetti.  dick won
the second prize - six months' supply of
extra long gourmet spaghetti,and harry
won the third prize - a toilet brush.

when they met in the pub a week later,
harry asked the others how they were
enjoying their prizes.

great,said tom.  we both love spaghetti,
how's the toilet brush?

not so good,mate,harry replied.  i think
i'll go back to using paper.
               ----------
two sailors,on leave in melbourne,were
sitting in a tram,when a sexy blonde in
a mini skirt clambered aboard.

she was carrying a six-pack,and as she
sat down opposite the two sailors,she
put the six-pack on the seat beside her.

the two sailors stared at the vision
seated opposite.  one sailor stared at
the six-pack,licking his lips,while the
other sailor stared at the girl's long
and elegant legs with his tongue hanging
out.

the blonde looked at the sailor staring
at the six-pack.

do you reckon you could keep one down?
she asked.

bloody oath!exclaimed the sailor.
could i ever!

good,said the girl.  sit on your mates
lap then.
               ---------
way out on the frontier in the wild and
wooly west,a young indian lad went up to
his father and asked.  father,why is it
that i have such a funny name?

well,son,said the father,it is the old
custom of our tribe to name each child
after the first thing the medicine man
sees when he steps out of the teepee,
after the birth.

your sister was born at night,which is
why she is called moonbeam.  your little
brother was born beside a stream,so he
is called running water.

pretty flower was born in the spring,
when the wildflowers had bloomed,and
snow flake was born in the winter,when
the hunting grounds lay under a blanket
of snow.

does that answer your question TWO DOGS
ROOTING?
the wife came home from shopping to find
her husband fast asleep on the couch,
muttering RAMONA,RAMONA,OH RAMONA.

the wife,whose name was LUCY,was a bit
annoyed at this,so she woke him up and
demanded,who's this RAMONA you've been
going on about?

oh..er..umm..ramona..yes,it's a horse!
ramona's a horse i'm gunna back,the
husband replied.  thanks fro waking me,
love,i've gotta get down the tab right
away!,and congratulating himself on his
quick thinking,the husband fled.
he came back home about an hour later &
found all his clothes packed into suit-
cases and standing on the front porch.

what's all this?,he asked,as his wife
opened the door.

that horse you were going to back,said
the wife.  it rang up half an hour ago &
said to meet you in the motel at seven.
               ----------
the mechanic at the local gas station
had been dining at the same cafe for
years,and he always had steak and eggs.

one evening,as he came in,the waitress
was running a pencil line through steak
and eggs on the menu.

i've just had to scratch your favorite
thing,she said.

well,said the mechanic,wash your hands &
get me some steak and eggs.
              -----------
a young bloke rushes into a chemist's
shop.

may i help you sir?,asks the lady behind
the counter.
a dozen condoms,please miss,says the
bloke.

don't you miss me!,snaps the elderly
lady.

oh!,all right then,the bloke sighs,make
it 13.
               ----------
a young businessman who had arrived only
recently in town,was invited to a cock-
tail party.

standing next to one of the local bank
managers,he started chatting.
i was at school with bill jones,he
remarked,and i understand he is a tried
and trusted member of your staff.

the bank manager looked at the newcomer
curiously.

mr jones was trusted,yes,he said,and
believe me,when we catch up with him,he
will certainly be tried.
               ----------
a worried looking girl went into the
local hardware store,and said to the
assistant.  excuse me,could you give me
a screw for a door knob?
no trouble at all,miss,he said,and i'll
even throw in a packet of nails as well.
               ----------
that's all for now.  if you have any
funnies you want printed here,then send
them into your local tsr contact.

as i have been using all my own stuff &
i need some new stuff to publish.

hope you have enjoyed these little quims

see you all next issue.

UPTONOGOOD - EDITOR.