http://c64mags.untergrund.net/wiki/index.php?action=history&feed=atom&title=The_Link_14_Humour 2026-05-03T13:37:26Z Revision history for this page on the wiki MediaWiki 1.19.0 http://c64mags.untergrund.net/wiki/index.php?title=The_Link_14_Humour&diff=6366&oldid=prev 2013-01-13T01:33:06Z

<p>Created page with &quot;&lt;pre&gt;welcome to this issue&#039;s humour section we hope that you like these little tid bits. if you have anything that you want to have printed here,then please send it in to us....&quot;</p> <p><b>New page</b></p><div>&lt;pre&gt;welcome to this issue's humour section<br /> we hope that you like these little tid<br /> bits.<br /> <br /> if you have anything that you want to<br /> have printed here,then please send it in<br /> to us.<br /> <br /> so sit back,kick your shoes off and let<br /> our sick humour either make or break<br /> your day.<br /> <br /> see you all next issue,the editor.<br /> ----------<br /> <br /> did you hear about the bloke who killed<br /> his wife and disposed of her body in an<br /> acid bath?<br /> <br /> he lost his right arm trying to pull the<br /> plug out.<br /> ----------<br /> after a long wait,about 2 years,at the<br /> c.e.s.(dole office) george finally got<br /> the chance of a full time job.<br /> <br /> we're looking for a bus driving,he was<br /> told at the interview. can you handle<br /> driving a bus and collecting fares?<br /> <br /> george said that would be no problem,so<br /> he was taken on.<br /> <br /> on his first day on the job,the phone<br /> rang in the bus depot office about half-<br /> an-hour after george had left on his 1st<br /> run.<br /> <br /> it's me,boss,george,said the voice on<br /> the phone. can you send help? there's<br /> been a bit of an accident,you see. the<br /> bus ran up on the pavement and smashed<br /> through a plate glass window into a shop<br /> <br /> bloody hell! exclamied the boss. how<br /> did that happen?<br /> <br /> dunno,said george. i was down the back<br /> of the bus taking fares at the time.<br /> ---------<br /> a couple who loved playing the horses &amp;amp;<br /> going to the races,worked out a system<br /> so that the wife could signal to the<br /> husband which horse to put money on.<br /> <br /> if she scratched her head,that meant top<br /> weight,and if she scratched her bottom,<br /> that meant bottom weight.<br /> <br /> anyway,off they went to the melbourne<br /> cup,and the wife mingled with the crowd<br /> to pick up some tips,signalling back to<br /> her hubby.<br /> <br /> all went well for a while,and they got a<br /> couple of good winners.<br /> <br /> then the time for the big race arrived,&amp;amp;<br /> the husband spotted his wife,but instead<br /> of scratching her head or scratching her<br /> bottom,she seemed to be doing a madonna<br /> impersonation and scratching her fanny.<br /> <br /> the husband couldn't work out what she<br /> meant,so he didn't bet on the race,and<br /> then his wife came rushing up to him.<br /> <br /> i didn't know what your signal meant,the<br /> husband said.<br /> <br /> you fucking idiot,snapped his wife,the<br /> favorite of course!<br /> ----------<br /> dave and mabel were out for a walk when<br /> mabel's shoelace broke.<br /> <br /> never mind,said dave. there's a bloke<br /> working on the road over there,go &amp;amp; ask<br /> him,if he's got a bit of string.<br /> <br /> i can't do that,said mabel,i don't know<br /> his name.<br /> <br /> oh,just call him tom,dick or harry,said<br /> dave.<br /> <br /> so mabel limps over the road and says,<br /> excuse me,have you got a bit of string<br /> on ya dick?<br /> <br /> no,says the bloke whaddya think it is,a<br /> bloody yo-yo.<br /> ----------<br /> an old man,hobbling along with a walking<br /> stick,tottered into a massage parlor. i<br /> want a girl! he wheezed,i wanna get<br /> laided. gimme a woman.<br /> <br /> and just how old are you,grandad? asked<br /> the receptionist.<br /> <br /> i'm ninety-two,he replied. ninety-two?<br /> ninety-two? exclaimed the receptionist.<br /> pop you've had it!<br /> <br /> oh,have i? said the old man. how much<br /> do i owe you then?<br /> ----------<br /> a bloke goes for a job with a forestry<br /> firm. come outside,says the boss,and<br /> tell me what sort of tree that is over<br /> there.<br /> <br /> no problem,says the bloke. that's a gum<br /> tree,sir.<br /> <br /> right,very good,says the boss. what<br /> height is it?<br /> <br /> and the bloke glances up at the tree and<br /> says,it's exactly 18.8 metres high,sir.<br /> <br /> so the boss gets the tree measured and<br /> sure enough,it's exactly 18.8 metres<br /> high.<br /> right,says the boss,one last question,&amp;amp;<br /> if you get this right you get the job.<br /> <br /> tell me,which is the back of the tree?<br /> <br /> so the bloke walks around the tree and<br /> says,that is the back,sir.<br /> <br /> amazing! says the boss. how do you know<br /> that?<br /> <br /> easy,says the bloke,some dirty bastard<br /> has had a shit behind it!<br /> ----------<br /> once upon a time there was a teddy bear<br /> who was fed up with being on the dole.<br /> sorry! (job search allowance),or what-<br /> ever it's called this week.<br /> <br /> anyway,he got a job with one of the<br /> local council road gangs,and spent his<br /> days digging holes in the road with a<br /> pick and shovel,and then going back next<br /> week and filling them in again.<br /> <br /> but one day,when he arrived for work,he<br /> looked around the tool shed and could<br /> only find his shovel...his pick had<br /> vanished!<br /> <br /> oi! he cried. what's going on?<br /> <br /> don't you know ,mate? said the foreman.<br /> today's the day the teddy bears have<br /> their picks nicked.<br /> ---------<br /> picture the scene. an upper-class<br /> dinner party at an english stately home,<br /> an old manor house in the country.<br /> <br /> the table set with priceless china,crisp<br /> with white linen,sparkling silver and<br /> glassware,candelabra,discreet servants<br /> bringing in the food,the full works.<br /> <br /> the people seated around the table were<br /> dressed in all their finery,the men<br /> elegant in evening dress and the women<br /> dazzling in silks,satins and lace,be-<br /> decked with diamonds and pearls.<br /> <br /> even the sole australian guest,a visitor<br /> to the old dart,was dressed up for the<br /> occasion in a hired dinner suit.<br /> <br /> the hum of polite conversation died<br /> down as the first course was served,and<br /> in the silence the aussie shifted un-<br /> comfortably in his chair,raised his bum<br /> slightly and let fly a ripper.<br /> shock,horror,consternation!<br /> <br /> how dare you sir! cried the host. how<br /> dare you fart before my wife!<br /> <br /> sorry mate,said the aussie,i didn't know<br /> it was her turn!<br /> ----------<br /> a worried looking girl went into the<br /> local hardware store and said to the<br /> assistant,excuse me,could you give a<br /> screw for a door knob?<br /> <br /> no trouble at all,miss he said,and i'll<br /> even throw in a packet of nails as well.<br /> a young woman revealed her marital<br /> problems to a friend at work.<br /> <br /> what you have to do,the friend advised,<br /> is to try and put some magic back into y<br /> our sex life.<br /> <br /> the next day her friend asked how things<br /> had gone.<br /> <br /> well,we tried to put the magic back into<br /> our marriage,she said,but his wand was<br /> not up to it.<br /> ----------<br /> a young bloke rushes into a chemist's<br /> shop.<br /> <br /> may i help you sir? asks an elderly<br /> lady behind the counter.<br /> <br /> a dozen condoms,please miss,says the<br /> bloke.<br /> <br /> don't miss me!,snaps the elderly lady.<br /> <br /> oh,all right then,the bloke sighs,make<br /> it thirteen.<br /> ----------<br /> hope you understand our humour. se you<br /> all next issue.&lt;/pre&gt;</div>

Jazzcat